I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills