Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door