Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over