Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
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When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
had to make it
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.