Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
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Is this you?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.