Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Dear Lord..
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.