[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
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termite twitter scares me
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”