What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
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My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Yup!
The Assassin.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.