The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
A new level of troll.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
This is my brand.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker