Good morning.
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.