I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
The dark side of Canada
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Is….Is this an option?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.