My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
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My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
pictures of spider-man
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes