Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
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[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.