Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
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“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
just leave it at the foot of the bed
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?