Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The funk soul brother
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
LA today:
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself