I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
You Might Also Like
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably