DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?