I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
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Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science