Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Cake safety first. Always.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before