Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.