Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
What number SPF blocks people?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.