Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
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Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
seems fine
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now