Sing it!
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]