The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
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Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
meanwhile over on facebook
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building