PLOT TWIST:
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.