Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
BRAKING NEWS!!
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
english majors be like furthermore
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
When did white people become such fucking pussies?