ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”