I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
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French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”