I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?