Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
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I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts