Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I’m being attacked 😭
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?