[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
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Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Yup.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I have many caverns
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Terribly Tuesday.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”