Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
notice
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit