[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I found your tweet-up…
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.