Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.