You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
You Might Also Like
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!