*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
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dogs can find happiness so easily
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.