* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
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Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
dam girl
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.