Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
s
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I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”