“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Smooooooth
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Any refunds available?…
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa