[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The Birdles
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Check out the legs on this baby
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam