[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
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CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.