Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
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Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.