I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
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Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.