I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Day 2 of my diet
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
fired
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers