Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
😲 WTF? 😆
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you