Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.