Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
taking June’s advice to heart
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: