I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
You Might Also Like
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
So glad we cleared that up
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”