Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later: